Indulgence and Introspection (cca. 10,123)

[Amyssa Magorian]

Amyssa's concerned gaze followed Liana's abrupt departure from the room, not needing to see Radnor's smug grin to know the reason: much like her, she'd come out of her melange-induced haze to find herself entwined with a man, but unlike her, that man was the foul and brutish Radnor Harkonnen. Following a momentary impulse to go after her, Amyssa remained where she was: perhaps what Liana needed was a moment of solitude.

With the Mutelli ambassador out of sight, her Ixian counterpart shifted her attention back to Elisha, with whom she'd been exchanging impressions a moment ago. A grain of concern lingered, for she hadn't missed the hidden barb in the blonde's remark about her and Grimaldi, leading Amyssa to ponder just how deep her attachment to the man went. Things were uncomfortable enough as they were without adding Elisha's jealousy to the mix, but at the same time Amyssa felt she'd said her part. It had happened, yes, and she'd be lying if she claimed she didn't find Grimaldi at all attractive, but she was hardly about to jump into bed with him.

Speaking of whom, Amyssa glanced briefly towards the other end of the room, where Balthazar was immersed in a hushed conversation with Tam Adams. Where did this leave them? Absolutely nowhere, she decided; clearly the effects of certain drugs brought about spurts of uncharacteristic behaviour in people, but for as long as she'd been part of the Assembly, she'd found no sign that they bled into their professional relationships. She'd heard of it before, of course: the unofficial agreement that what happened at such decadent parties was a mutually kept secret, and considering this was hardly the first, nor the last, for all intents and purposes it worked. Nonetheless, future council meetings with Grimaldi were in danger of being tainted by the awkwardness of their recent tryst, and to ensure that did not extend to her friendship with Elisha as well, Amyssa did her best to affect a perfectly calm and friendly attitude as she prepared to answer her earlier question:

“Waking up from an intense dream is a very apt way of putting it”, she agreed with a slow, thoughtful nod and her eyes narrowed in an effort to dredge up scraps of fading memory. Vague feelings of dread nipped at her consciousness, and the nondescript notion of a...place: too dark, too quiet... “To be honest I had no idea what to expect, and I'm slightly disappointed most of it has gone from memory already, especially since I have this nagging feeling that I'm forgetting something something vital. Although, perhaps it's for the best, because there's also a vague sensation of dread I can't quite shake off, a kind of reversed afterglow. And speaking of which...” Amyssa paused and lowered her voice as her lips twisted into a conspiratorial smirk, “You need not worry, I doubt Balthazar is particularly eager to repeat our encounter; you see, I think I might have called him by a different name.”

[Elisha Montague]

“Waking up from an intense dream is a very apt way of putting it” replied Amyssa, her eyes narrowed as if she were making an effort to recall memories from the spice trance.

She would have little success if Elisha's experience was anything to go by, although the spice did affect everyone slightly differently and it was not unknown for a few individuals to awaken completely lucid and with full recall of what their mind's eye had seen. Whether these people were fortunate or cursed was very much open to debate; more than one phoney prophet and soothsayer had relied on visions from the spice trance down the ages, but narcotics in general and melange in particular had ways of bringing to the fore that which was best left forgotten. Although there was natural curiosity there, she wasn't sure she truly wanted to know what had gone on in her recent dream. Those times when she did recall fragments could just as easily be tinged with dread as with joy.

“To be honest I had no idea what to expect” Amyssa went on, “and I'm slightly disappointed most of it has gone from memory already, especially since I have this nagging feeling that I'm forgetting something something vital. Although, perhaps it's for the best, because there's also a vague sensation of dread I can't quite shake off, a kind of reversed afterglow. And speaking of which...”

Amyssa paused before lowering her voice and continuing in a conspiratorial tone, “You need not worry, I doubt Balthazar is particularly eager to repeat our encounter; you see, I think I might have called him by a different name”.

Internally Elisha groaned, it becoming painfully obvious that Amyssa had indeed picked up on her earlier rash comment regarding Grimaldi. There was no point in pushing the matter further though; to do so would only increase the sense in the Ixian's mind that she was in some way offended or jealous, and that would never do. It was better just to draw a line under it and move on. In fact she had possibly been becoming over-dependent on Balthazar’s company of late, so keeping her distance and finding someone new to have fun with might be a good idea as well. That could wait until after the current night’s activities though.

“I'm sure whatever it was, Grimaldi has been called worse” she replied with a smile, “But I think we should go and check on Liana, don't you? If she hasn't already gone home she might be in need of a friendly face right now”.

Leading Amyssa out of Balthazar's private chamber and back down the hall, Elisha cast her eyes about for their other friend the the practised manner of the Bene Gesserit. There was no sign of her in the large ballroom, where the wine was still flowing freely and some of the other guests had begun to dance as the band Grimaldi had hired for the occasion struck up a tune, and Elisha doubted whether she would have headed out into the gardens in her current frame of mind since they would be full of courting couples. On a hunch she decided to check the front entrance, and it proved to be a good guess. It was in fact raining outside, whoever was operating the climate satellites seemingly aware of Elisha's current mood as well as the need to irrigate the Capitol’s foliage, but the large covered porch of the manor house provided plenty of shelter. Liana had shunned this however and was standing a little to one side, attempting to hide herself beneath a large black umbrella as rain poured down from the inky sky. Elisha hurried over, just managing to keep within the boundary of the porch and still get close enough to speak to her friend.

“Liana...” she began, “are you...”

“Oh, hello!” replied the taller blonde, seemingly lost in thought as they arrived but now apparently trying to put on a brave face, “I'm just waiting for the driver to bring the car around from the back; suddenly I'm really not in the mood for partying any more. I know I said I'd organise transport for us all at the end of the night, but I really just want to go home now. You understand, don't you? You're welcome to come with me but don't feel you have to. I'll send the car back for you if you like, or I’m sure you can get a lift with someone else”.

Elisha was a little unsure how to respond; heart-to-hearts and girl talk had never been her strongest suits. Spending the majority of her youth in the stuffy atmosphere of the Wallach Mother School and having the indomitably strong-willed Lilith Piacevole for a best friend meant that she wasn't exactly used to talking about feelings, either her own or anyone else's. She'd been trained in reading people of course, and was well aware that Liana would be feeling embarrassed and conspicuous, but there were times when you had to put aside the behavioural manual and be a real friend. She experienced a flash of the same annoying helplessness she had experienced during the moment with Amyssa in the gardens.

“Are you sure you're alright?” she asked at last, “Radnor didn't hurt you at all, did he? I swear that if he did I'll break his arm”.

“No, no he didn't hurt me” replied Liana, a faraway look coming into her eyes for a moment, “Just wounded pride is all, and I do have a huge stack of paperwork on my desk for tomorrow afternoon's Council session. You two should go back and enjoy the rest of the party though. I think I overheard someone say that Balthazar's little piece of arm-candy was going to sing later. That might be worth seeing, if only for a chuckle if it turns out her vocal talent doesn't match the amount of leg she was showing earlier”.

That sounded a bit more like the Liana she knew; perhaps the Mutelli Ambassador really did just need a night by herself and some paperwork to take her mind off things. Still, covering one’s emotions with the mask of professionalism was something diplomats were good at and Elisha wasn't entirely unconvinced of the other woman's further need for comforting. Her own interest in the gathering was frankly starting to drain away as well, but on the other hand tonight had been supposed to be about Amyssa and introducing her to the party scene. Perhaps it should be up to her to make the decision.

“What do you think?” she enquired, turning back to the Ixian at her side, “Do you fancy staying for the music and dancing, or would you like to call it a night?”

[Amyssa Magorian]

The atmosphere seemed to have lost some of its intensity, Amyssa thought as the two ambassadors re-entered the main banquet area, now beginning to fill up with couples dancing to the music provided for the occasion by Grimaldi's hired entertainment. There was something undeniably more subdued about the place despite the sizeable crowd still in attendance, perhaps because many of the revellers were beginning to succumb to the effects of drugs and alcohol, if they hadn't already retired to a more private setting with their chosen partner (or partners) for the night. Or perhaps it only seemed that way to Amyssa who all of a sudden found herself in a thoughtful state of mind, unable to distance her musings from what had transpired in Grimaldi's innersanctum. The memory of the trance in particular grated her, with its taunting glimpses of mostly-faded visions. Then there was the slightly embarrassing moment with Balthazar himself, Elisha's (thankfully brief) reaction, not to mention the already forgotten connection between Hieronymus and whatever Amyssa's visions had been showing her at the time. She would probably never know.

Liana was nowhere to be found inside the mansion, and for a while Amyssa was convinced she'd already left. Feeling a little guilty for not having gone after her earlier, she was therefore relieved to find her at last standing a short distance from the porch, beneath the cover of a voluminous umbrella.

“Oh, hello!” Liana said once she noticed them, “I'm just waiting for the driver to bring the car around from the back; suddenly I'm really not in the mood for partying any more. I know I said I'd organise transport for us all at the end of the night, but I really just want to go home now. You understand, don't you? You're welcome to come with me but don't feel you have to. I'll send the car back for you if you like, or I’m sure you can get a lift with someone else”.

With the image of Liana and Radnor locked in that enthusiastic kiss appearing briefly before her eyes, Amyssa produced a sympathetic smile. If her mishap with Grimaldi had her feeling somewhat conspicuous, she could only imagine how Liana, who already had to endure all sorts of prejudice because of her scars, felt. To make matters worse, Radnor had been interested in her for some time, everyone in Assembly knew that, and no doubt many would be imagining that desperation had finally pushed her into his arms.

“What do you think?” Elisha asked Amyssa once Liana made it clear she wasn't coming back inside “Do you fancy staying for the music and dancing, or would you like to call it a night?”

Honestly? No, Amyssa didn't particularly want to stay. Perhaps it was some kind of after-effect of the spice, but she felt rather...listless, and could not summon up enough enthusiasm for Grimaldi's armcandy, vocally adequate or not. Furthermore, she would rather avoid running into the Moritani Ambassador at the moment, especially with Elisha at her side.

“If it's all the same to you, I think I'll be joining Liana”, she therefore said. “I am quite tired, I believe the spice hit me harder than I'd expected, and I do have quite a busy schedule tomorrow. Don't feel obligated to come along if you'd rather stay, though; it's been a rather pleasant evening overall and I wouldn't want to keep you from enjoying the rest of it.”

[Elisha Montague]

“If it's all the same to you, I think I'll be joining Liana. I am quite tired, I believe the spice hit me harder than I'd expected, and I do have quite a busy schedule tomorrow. Don't feel obligated to come along if you'd rather stay, though; it's been a rather pleasant evening overall and I wouldn't want to keep you from enjoying the rest of it”.

Elisha had to admit that she felt disappointed at Amyssa’s reply. It was not that she would be unable to remain by herself if she really wanted to, she had certainly done more than enough solo partying in her time to be able to make a night of it, but the very purpose of this outing had been to introduce the Ixian to the ambassadorial party scene. She hoped that Amyssa was merely finding her feet when it came to social events such as this, and that she hadn’t been put off entirely. With that in mind Elisha decided that it might be better if she left with the others, so that she could get a feel for how her friend had found the party and whether she might be interested in attending another.

“My diary is fairly full tomorrow as well” she replied, “So I think I’ll call it a night too”.

Liana nodded and folded away her umbrella, retreating back under the porch with her two friends since they were now all waiting for the car together, but remained quiet. Elisha was feeling more than a little dispirited now; what with one friend having an uncomfortable experienced at the hands of Tleilaxu clones in the garden and the other being put in a compromising position while under the influence of melange it had not turned out to be the best of evenings. Maybe she had been over-ambitious in inviting Amyssa to one of Grimaldi’s gatherings in particular. All ambassadorial parties were decadent of course, but Balthazar’s were infamously more so than the norm. She recalled the very first time she had attended one of his events, only a few weeks after her arrival on Kaitain when she was still very much finding her feet around the Assembly, and could still vividly remember waking up in the bushes around the back of the manor all sticky and covered with dirt and leaves her after someone took her outside and had the bright idea of pouring champaign over her body and trying to lick it off. Well at least Amyssa had not been subjected to quite such a baptism of fire.

The journey back to Amyssa’s residence was quite a long one, made worse by Kaitain City traffic at this time in the evening when many people who had work in the morning would be heading home after a socialising while those who liked to start their partying late were still heading out, and this afforded the three friends ample time to chat. The only problem was that nobody really wanted to say anything; Amyssa and Liana must surely have still been feeling a little embarrassed after their respective mishaps at the party, while Elisha was despondent that the night had gone so poorly and perhaps also a little guilty for involving her friends in it in the first place. The rain which continued to pour down the car windows did not help either, merely adding to the gloomy atmosphere. She did not want the night to end like this though, not on a note of tension. Why did it have to turn out like this anyway? Why did Amyssa have to end up in the arms of Balthazar Grimaldi while calling the name of someone called Hieronymus?

“So who is Hieronymus anyway? I saw you mouth that name while coming around from the spice trance” she asked suddenly and impulsively, perhaps due to the alcohol she had imbibed earlier or maybe because deep down seeing Amyssa with Grimaldi still bothered her somehow.

She regretted it almost as soon as the words left her lips, just as she had the earlier suggestion that Balthazar had helped Amyssa to measure out her spice, but before she could do anything to try and take it back or correct herself Liana chimed in too. Perhaps the taller blonde was desperate for any kind of conversation which would distract attention from her own unfortunate incident at the party, and for that Elisha couldn't really blame her, but this suddenly made things very awkward indeed.

“Ooh! Is this an old boyfriend, Amyssa? You’ve never mentioned him before. Do tell!”

Elisha cringed, and prayed that Amyssa would not be even further deterred from ever socialising with her again by this sudden intrusive questioning.

[Amyssa Magorian]

A gloomy silence dominated the atmosphere in the speeding groundcar which the three ambassadors occupied together, the sounds of rain and traffic made remote by the noise-dampening walls. It was late and though Amyssa felt physically tired, her mind was alert and busy digesting the recent events at the party with a distinct lack of inspiration as to what to say to her companions.

On one hand, the Ixian Ambassador preferred the silence. She didn't wish to discuss that which everybody knew was a reason for this lack of conversation, and would rather avoid the necessity of defending her reaction all over again while trying not to look naïve and provincial. Likewise, if the incident with Balthazar Grimaldi were never mentioned again, it would be too soon; Amyssa wasn't convinced Elisha had absolutely no objections and she valued their friendship much more than the brief temptation she'd experienced in Grimaldi's arms. Better acknowledge it for what it was, then move on. She guessed Liana had similar feelings towards what had passed between her and Radnor Harkonnen, if her thoughtful silence was anything to go by, and Amyssa would have been glad to grant her the wish to keep it that way, but Elisha had different ideas.

“So who is Hieronymus anyway?” she all of a sudden wanted to know, “I saw you mouth that name while coming around from the spice trance.”

The question startled Amyssa who flinched visibly and pursed her lips, trying hard to keep her glare fixated on the dark panel in front of her and not Elisha Montague. She felt a wave of heat rising within her and settling uncomfortably in the region of her face: of all the possible questions she could have asked, what in the Universe had possessed Elisha to ask that one?! Damn that man for apparently lurking still in the depths of her subconscious, and damn her foolish indulgence which had so easily exposed it! Now what was the best way to bring this conversation to a speedy end?

Just when Amyssa thought things couldn't possibly get any worse, it was Liana who proved her wrong by contributing what was an even more difficult question:

“Ooh! Is this an old boyfriend, Amyssa? You’ve never mentioned him before. Do tell!”

This time the Ixian Ambassador snapped her head around to glare at both of them, her jaw set firmly with the effort it took to control herself; Hieronymus Tek was an extremely sore subject for her, one she had difficulty discussing even in the best of times and which was in absolutely no mood to delve into then.

“No, he's not an old boyfriend!” Amyssa snapped with uncharacteristic vehemence, for even during the most heated Landsraad debates she was known for speaking in calm and measured tones. Her anger, having spiked, was quickly receding though and the beginnings of embarrassment were making themselves felt; she cringed inwardly at her outburst. It wasn't her friends' fault, they couldn't have known.

“It's...complicated”, she began reluctantly. “He is someone I knew back on Ix, and he...meant something to me, but things happened and it ended rather unpleasantly. I haven't seen him in years. Can we leave it at that? I'd really rather not talk about it.”

Amyssa truly meant that last statement; she felt suddenly drained and certainly not up to explaining to Liana and Elisha how Hieronymus was her first – and only – lover who had preferred the intimate company of machines to hers, and had even gone as far as to suggest fitting her with a contraption which would have made their encounters more appealing to him. Consulting a digital map display in front of her, Amyssa noted with relief that her destination was near, but the bitter aftertaste of an evening which was supposed to have been fun and relaxing lingered.

[Elisha Montague]

Amyssa's head turned sharply, fixing both other women with an angry glare, though Elisha noted that at the same time there was colour in her cheeks which suggested more embarrassment and discomfort than pure rage.

“No, he's not an old boyfriend!” Amyssa replied in an inflamed tone which Elisha had never heard the normally quite passive Ixian use

Once again she cursed herself for her indiscretion. This was twice in one night that she had allowed her mouth to run away with itself and it reflected poorly on her, both as a diplomat and as the recipient of Bene Gesserit training. Her mind flashed back some eight months to the uncomfortable moment at Emperor Elrood's coronation banquet, when she had come face-to-face with her old teacher Miral Alechem. The Reverend Mother had elicited just such an ill-judged outburst from her as had happened just now, and she could imagine the older woman laughing at her for making the same mistake again.

“It's...complicated”, continued Amyssa, her voice softening now as the initial moment of anger seemed to pass, “He is someone I knew back on Ix, and he...meant something to me, but things happened and it ended rather unpleasantly. I haven't seen him in years. Can we leave it at that? I'd really rather not talk about it”.

Elisha nodded and turned away, and she thought she heard Liana mutter an embarrassed "Oh I'm sorry", but it was impossible to take back what had been said and that was the final nail in the coffin of what had already turned out to be a less than stellar social outing. Nobody else spoke for the rest of the journey, except to exchange slightly stiff-sounding goodbyes as Amyssa was dropped off at her residence.

"I hope we haven't put her off ever coming out with us again" said Liana at last, as the car pulled away again and they headed for the apartment block where Elisha lived, "You know, maybe Grimaldi's party was a bad choice for a first timer... not to mention that if we'd gone somewhere a bit more low-key I wouldn't have ended up locking lips with that slig Radnor".

"Let's see if we can catch her for a coffee after the morning debates tomorrow" suggested Elisha by way of reply, "Maybe just a simple coffee though. I think we could all go without melange for a little while after tonight".

The two remaining friends said nothing more until they reached Elisha's home, for the depressive atmosphere remained and had not really been improved by the knowledge that they would both have to do a little crawling the next day to try and make it up with Amyssa. Liana was probably also not looking forward to any possible encounters with Radnor Harkonnen. More brief goodbyes were said and then the groundcar sped off into the night, leaving Elisha alone at the gates of the apartment complex. It had at least stopped raining, which was something, but she was in no mood to remain outside and quickly headed for the elevator.

There was no light or sound from Lucy's room as she crept inside, suggesting that the teenager was either sound asleep or had snuck out for the night; Elisha supposed she would find out for herself in the morning, although she would be disinclined to say anything unless her niece was looking completely wasted. What kind of a hypocrite would she be if she tried to lord it over the girl in exactly the same way as she had resented the old Proctors doing to her? Flopping down onto the couch she instinctively reached for her bottle of Chusuk brandy, the location of which she knew pretty much from memory even though she had not turned on any lights, and poured herself a glass. Taking a long sip Elisha Montague contemplated the evening which had just passed and decided it couldn't really have been much worse, well perhaps not unless Amyssa had ended up being the one to kiss Radnor anyway.

Just as she decided to call it a night and turn in a solitary red light blinking in the inky half-light of the quiet apartment suddenly caught her attention; it was coming from the comm panel, so someone had left her an audio message. Elisha thought about leaving it until morning, for surely it could not be anything which could not wait until then, but decided to listen to it in the end partly out of simple curiosity and partly out of a vague fear that it might be her father demanding something be done instantly. The name on the caller list was not the ambassadorial office though, it was Balthazar Grimaldi, and when she saw that Elisha experienced the most curious sensation. It was an oddly hopeful and expectant feeling, as if she had somehow been wanting the message to be from Grimaldi all along, and although it was an unusual feeling it was not entirely unfamiliar and felt somehow connected to the vision she had experienced in the spice trance.

"Hey Elisha! Shame you had to leave early. Really sorry about what happened to Liana too, yeah? I will have a word with Radnor myself if you like, make sure he doesn't try to give her a hard time. Anyway, apart from that just wanted to say thanks for letting me have a shot with the Ixian tonight. You're a real star. Any time you want me to return the favour, just ask. By the way, usual time and place next week? Let me know".

And with that the feeling was gone, washed away by more familiar and practical concerns such as how to win back Amyssa's favour in the morning and whether she could indeed fit in a liason with the Moritani ambassador the following week, gone so quickly in fact that it passed straight out of her conscious thought without her even paying it any mind. Instead Elisha swigged down the last of her brandy, before switching off the comm station and falling into bed.